Just my thoughts

Happy Anniversary to My James

2010-11-18T08:37:00.002-05:00

4 years ago today James asked me to be his.......and I was overjoyed to say yes! The last 4 years have been so amazing....we have had our ups and downs but I love him more today then I did back then.....hard to believe! I can't wait to become Mrs. Schwartz and spend the rest of my life living in the love that we share! I love you James!!!!!

"Homewrecker"

2010-11-09T14:52:00.001-05:00

"Homewrecker"

Well you're a real hot cookie with a new hairdo
Your high heel boots and your credit card
Long legs and a mini skirt
Yeah you know what works and you work it hard
You smile like such a lady innocent and sweet
You drive the men folk crazy,
But any girl can see
You're just a

[CHORUS]

Homewrecker
I know what you're doin'
You think you're gonna ruin what I got, But you're not
Yeah you little go getter
I'll teach you a lesson
If you get to messin' with my man
You don't stand a chance
No, you're just a homewrecker

I'm sure you waited for a long, long time
To find a man like mine
But honey you're too late
So before you go and make your move
Maybe me and you should get a few things straight
There's two ways we can do this
I'll let you decide
You can take it somewhere else or we can take it outside you little

[REPEAT CHORUS]

Now honey I'm a Christian, But if you keep it up
I'm gonna go to kickin' your pretty little butt
Is that clear enough yeah, you little

I Wanna Die

2010-10-17T23:05:00.002-04:00

I Wanna Die
Miranda Lambert

You know it's so complicated, first you love then you hate it
Someone's laughin', someone's cryin', someone livin', someone's dyin'
Somebody always loses an' we still play the game
An' the fire will always burn you an' we still light the flame

Let's make it up, baby 'cause I ain't gonna fight
If you're the death of me, darlin', I wanna die

You always say that you love me an' there is no one above me
Never givin', always takin', never bendin', always breakin'
I know you ain't a liar but you don't tell the truth
An' you're walkin' on a wire wearin' someone else's shoes

If you're handin' out misery, I'll be the first in line
If you're the death of me, darlin', I wanna die

Tear it up, break it down
Put my heart on your sleeve an' wear it all over town
I know you're a player but you don't play by the rules
An' I'm just another in a long line of fools

Yeah, it's so complicated, I love then I hate it
I'm laughin', you're cryin', you're livin', I'm dyin'
Somebody always loses an' we still play the game
Yeah, the fire will always burn you an' we still light the flame

Let's make it up, baby 'cause I ain't gonna fight
If you're the death of me, darlin', I wanna die

Yeah, tear it up, break it down
Put my heart on your sleeve an' wear it all over town
I know you're a player but you don't play by the rules
An' I'm just another in a long line of fools

Yeah, it's so complicated, I love then I hate it
I'm laughin', you're cryin', I'm livin', you're dyin'
I know you ain't a liar but you don't tell the truth
Hey, you're walkin' on a wire wearin' someone else's shoes

You're handin' out misery, I'll be the first in line
If you're the death of me, darlin', I wanna die

I wanna die
Tear it up, tear it up

Mean by Pink

2010-09-27T21:08:00.000-04:00

"Mean"

You use to hold the door for me
Now you can't wait to leave
You use to send me flowers if
You fucked up in my dreams
I use to make you laugh
With all the silly shit I did
Now you roll your eyes and
Walk away and shake your head

When the spark has gone and the candles are out
And the song is done and there's no more sound
Whispers turn to yelling and I'm thinking

[Chorus:]
How do we get so mean? How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning
When it comes and everythings undone?
Is it 'cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me.
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor
Like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be

I'm always sentimental when I think of how it was
When love was sweet and new and we just couldn't get enough
The shower, it reminds me you'd undress me with your eyes
And now you never touch me and you tell me that you're tired

You know it gets so sad when it all goes bad
And all you think about is all the fun you've had
And all those "sorry"'s ain't never gonna mean a thing

[Chorus]

I know we said some things that we can never take back
It's like a train wreck trying to hit the right track
We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe
But we should've drank it down while it was still sweet
It all goes bad eventually

Now do we stay together 'cause we're scared to be alone
We got so used to this abuse it kind of feels like home
But my baby I just really wanna know oh.

"Glitter In The Air" by Pink

2010-09-10T08:14:00.000-04:00

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La La La La La La La La

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

misc ramblings

2010-09-04T17:33:00.005-04:00

LAST WEEK:

there have been so many things going on recently.....it makes my head swim. my stress level has exceeded maximum capacity. i am trying not to let everything get to me but so far i haven't been successful.

i'm trying so hard but it seems like the harder i try the worse things get.

THIS WEEK:

we've gotten some good news and for that i am very grateful! maybe this is the turning point.

i am still trying to figure out why i let things bother me so much. i see that most other people seem to not care about the things that bother me. why can't i be like them?!? why do i care so much about things that 1) i know will NEVER change, 2) things that i cannot fix and 3) things that don't matter to anyone else.

sorry for the randomness of this post.

For my James.....you and me baby we're stuck like glue

2010-09-04T17:20:00.001-04:00

"Stuck Like Glue"

MMMM better...MMMM better...
Absolutely no one that knows me better
No one that can make me feel sooo goooood
How did we stay so long together?
When everybody, everybody said we never would
And just when I, I start to think they're right
That love has died...

[Chorus:]
There you go making my heart beat again,
Heart beat again,
Heart beat again
There you go making me feel like a kid
Won't you do it and do it one time?
There you go pulling me right back in,
Right back in,
Right back in
And I know-oo I'm never letting this go-ooo

I'm stuck on you
Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we're stuck like glue
Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we're stuck like glue

Some days I don't feel like trying
Some days you know I wanna just give up
When it doesn't matter who's right, thought about it all night
Had enough
You give me that look
"I'm sorry baby let's make up"
You do that thing that makes me laugh
And just like that...

[Chorus:]
There you go making my heart beat again,
Heart beat again,
Heart beat again
There you go making me feel like a kid
Won't you do it and do it one time
There you go pulling me right back in,
Right back in,
Right back in
And I know-oo I'm never letting this go-ooo

I'm stuck on you
Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we're stuck like glue
Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby were stuck like glue

Whutooo Whutoo

You almost stay out, too stuck together from the ATL
Whutooo Whutoo
Feeling kinda sick?
Just a spoon full of sugar make it better real quick

I say
Whutooo Whutoo
Whatcha gonna do with that?
Whutooo Whutoo
Come on over here with that
Sugar sticky sweet stuff
Come on give me that stuff
Everybody wants some
Melodies that get stuck

Up in your head
Whutooo whutooo

Up in your head
Whutooo whutooo

Up in your head
Whutooo whutooo

Up in your head
Whutooo whutooo
Whuthoo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me together, say, it's all I wanna do
I said

[Chorus:]
There you go making my heart beat again,
Heart beat again,
Heart beat again
There you go making me feel like a kid
Won't you do it and do it one time
There you go pulling me right back in,
Right back in,
Right back in
And I know-oo I'm never letting this go-ooo

There you go making my heart beat again,
Heart beat again,
Heart beat again
There you go making me feel like a kid
Won't you do it and do it one time
There you go pulling me right back in,
Right back in,
Right back in
And I know-oo I'm never letting this go-ooo
I'm stuck on you

Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we're stuck like glue
Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby were stuck like glue
Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we're stuck like glue

I Keep On Lovin'

2010-07-26T10:28:00.002-04:00

I Keep On Lovin' You lyrics

Love takes the patience of Job
That's what my Mama always said
Faith is the belief in something more than what you know
That's what the good book says

You gotta play the cards you got
Who knows what fate is holding
At times you gotta go
Without knowing where you're going

That's why I keep on lovin' you, I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby-don't-leave-mes
And never-will-agains
And I-promise-tos, I keep on lovin' you

Lord knows we've had our share of fights
Our sleepless nights, our ups and downs
We've had plenty and then some
Of baby-I'm-gones and turnarounds

Sometimes I swear it might be easier
To throw in the towel
Someday we're gonna look back
And say look at us now

That's why I keep on lovin' you, I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby-don't-leave-mes
And never-will-agains
And I-promise-tos

I keep on lovin' you, keep on lovin' you
Through the I-take-it-backs
I-didn't-mean-it-like-thats
I'd-never-hurt-yous, oh, I keep on lovin' you

I keep on lovin' you, I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby-don't-leave-mes
And never-will-agains
And I-promise-tos

I keep on lovin' you, I keep on lovin' you
Through the I-take-it-backs
I-didn't-mean-it-like-thats
I'd-never-hurt-yous, oh, I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you, I keep on lovin' you

Reba.....gotta love this song

2010-07-26T10:28:00.001-04:00

Every time I turn the conversation
To something deeper than the weather
I can feel you always shuttin' down
And when I need an explanation for the silence
You just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now

What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear
We're at a crossroads here

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this
Then I guess, we're done, let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

With you I've always been wide open
Like a window or an ocean
There is nothing I've ever tried to hide
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin'
I start thinkin' that we're lookin', we're lookin' at goodbye

How about a strong shot of honesty?
Don't you owe that to me?

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this
Then I guess, we're done, let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

Consider me a memory, consider me the past
Consider me a smile in an old photograph
Someone who used to make you laugh

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then I guess, we're done, let's not drag this on
Consider me gone, consider me gone
Consider me gone, just consider me gone

"Don't let me get me" Pink sings the soundtrack to my life

2010-07-12T08:16:00.001-04:00

I never win first place
Don't support the team
Can't take direction
and my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me
My parents hated me
I was always in a fight
Cuz I cant do nothing right
Every day I fight a war against the mirror
Can't take the person staring back at me

(CHORUS)
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irratating.. don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

I wanna be someone else (yeah)

L.A. told me
You'll be a pop star
All you have to change
Is everything you are
Tired of being compared
To damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty
That just aint me
So doctor doctor wont you please prescribe me something
The day in the life of some one else

(CHORUS)
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irratating.. don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else (yeah)
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irratating.. don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

So doctor doctor won't you please prescribe me something
The day in the life of someone else (Don't let me get me)

(CHORUS)
Oooh I'm a hazard to myself! (yeah)
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself (yourself)
So irratating.. (So irratating)
Don't wanna be my friend no more (Don't, don't, wanna somebody else)
I wanna be somebody else
Don't let me get me (don't let, don't let me get me)
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself (it's bad, it's so bad)
So irratating.. don't wanna be my friend no more (aaah)
I wanna be somebody else
Don't let me get me...

momma and my boys

2010-06-06T22:54:00.001-04:00

things that annoy me

2010-06-06T22:15:00.002-04:00

Normally i'm a positive person.....i have a lot to be thankful for but somedays i just get annoyed!!!!

* people who hold their dogs while they drive - i'm a dog lover too, but that's just NOT safe!

* drive thru workers who don't speak, just hand out my soda....no "have a good day" or "thank you".

* people who choose to sit directly in front of me at the movies when there are tons of other seats - ok if i wasn't a shortie this might not bother me as much....lol

* having hundreds of channels on cable but i still can't find anything to watch!

* the fact that i can never seem to get ahead....always living paycheck to paycheck.

* running out of paper @ the printer or copier @ work.

* men/guys who check out other women/girls while they are with their wives/girlfriends - this annoyance is worse if said wife/girlfriend is pregnant.

ok, rant over!!!!!

For my james......i love you

2010-04-22T13:11:00.000-04:00

Gary Allan
We fly by night

Wake up Monday morning lookin' at another 50 hour week
Hit the ground, black coffee, runnin' on 2 hours of sleep
Damned old truck won't start and I've got some place to be by eight
You spin around in circles, cookin' breakfast, runnin' late too
You're stressed out, stretched thin, sometimes it's just like a zoo
We come home tired and weary after making it through on more day.

(Chorus)

And we fly by night
Wrapped around each other 'neath the pale moonlight
Everything in the great big world feels right
Baby you and I, we fly by night

Well, traffic's backed up bumper to bumper for 15 miles
Call you on the phone said "Hang on babe, it's gonna be a while"
You say, "Hurry home lover, I'm wearing nothing but a smile for you."
Already got my coat off as I pull into the drive
Sometimes I think I must be the luckiest man alive
When you pull me down on the couch and slowly slide off my boots.

(Repeat Chorus)

No, I wouldn't care if the sun never shined again, again..

(Repeat Chorus)

baby you and I, we fly by night
Whooooooo

the definition of insecure

2010-04-10T22:22:00.002-04:00

in·se·cure (ĭn'sĭ-kyŏŏr')

1. Not sure or certain; doubtful.

2. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe.

3. Not firm or fixed; unsteady.

4. a.Lacking stability; troubled.

b.Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety.

I am insecure......sad but true. My insecurity causes me a lot of problems. It makes me do things that I normally wouldn't and feel anxious about things that i shouldn't. it's difficult for me to deal with these issues but i'm trying.

taking time for me

2010-04-04T23:23:00.002-04:00

i realized something the other day....i don't really know who i am anymore....i have been so many things to other people that i think i've lost me. i describe myself as a mother, fiance', daughter, sister, friend, employee but i don't really know me outside of those things. i think that i am afraid of who i might be or what i might see if i take a true look at myself. i characterize myself by my physical, mental and emotional flaws but fail to bring my positive attributes to any one's attention.

lately i feel so old.....i know that 32 isn't old.....i really don't think i am old but it's hard when you start to notice the tell tell signs of aging. of course there's my weight......that is an ongoing saga.

i am going to take more time out for me......for what i want to do....i'm going to take more time to blog and reflect on my thoughts and feelings. even if no one ever reads my thoughts i think it will help for me to get them out.

Thought of the day: I am worth it! (i might not feel this way yet.....but maybe if i keep thinking it, saying it and typing it i might start to feel it!)

Happy Birthday James

2010-02-10T12:49:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday to my dearest James! I know this has been very tumultuous but I am so proud of how you've handled all the obstacles and set backs. You are an amazing man and I am so blessed to have you in my life. I love you!

Twenty years and two husbands ago

2010-02-02T10:16:00.001-05:00

Lee Ann Womack

singing my life....lol

Lookin' in the bathroom mirror puttin' my makeup on
Maybelline can't hide the lines of time that's gone
I weighed 105 soakin' wet, I'd knock 'em dead in that sun dress
Had it all just too young to know,
That was twenty years and, two husbands ago

I remember when he took my hand and said "I do"
And the kitchen I was standing in, when he said "I'm through"
And I swore I'd never fall back in, put my heart through that again
Never let somebody get that close
But that was twenty years and, two husbands ago

Water under the bridge
I guess that's all life really is, that's just the way it is

Driving the kids to school today, it occurred to me
With all the wrong turns that I've made,
I'm right where I should be
But I go back there from time to time
Lookin' for that peace of mind,
And find it's always just a dead-end road
Yeah that was twenty years and, two husbands ago

Water under the bridge
I guess that's all life really is, that's just the way it is

Lookin' in the bathroom mirror puttin' my makeup on

how you know a man truly loves you......

2010-01-25T23:13:00.002-05:00

when he tells you how sexy you are when you're sick, nose red like Rudolph and your fragrance is vapor rub but he's looking at you like you're a centerfold

when he holds your hair back when you get sick

when he watches say yes to the dress, what not to wear or project runway with you

when he tells you that you are more attractive than a beautiful model, actress, singer

when he tells you you're perfect just the way you are, when you both know you could stand to lose more that a few pounds

when he grins to himself while you complain about your smile lines because he knows he is the cause of those smiles

when he braves the cold to pump your gasoline

when he holds you while you cry @ a commercial because you have pms

when he tells you that you are his best friend

when he believes in you when no one else seems to

when he understands that sometimes you don't need your problems solved you just need someone to listen

when his eyes light up when you tell him you love him.

Twenty Ten

2010-01-21T20:28:00.002-05:00

Ok, am i the only one that thought we'd be riding around in flying cars by now? seriously, when i watched the jetsons or back to the future when i was a kid, i really thought that by 2010 things would be soooooo much different. i thought that there would be a cure for cancer, that i could buy my groceries with my thumb print and i'd have a hover board. the advancement in computers and medicine are impressive and i know we've come along way but where's my robotic maid?

The more things change......the more they stay the same.

2010-01-12T22:06:00.002-05:00

The last few years I've noticed that sometimes the more things change the more they stay the same. Examples: 1. Every night of every year my son has been in school we have the same conversation about homework. He gets more responsible, smarter and capable with each passing year, however we still have the same conversation. 2. My job: I have switched law firms, and went from Plaintiff work to Defense work in the past 10 yrs but I still have some of the same complaints. 3. My Ex-husband, we aren't married anymore yet we still have disagreements over a lot of the same stuff.

4. This is my best example.......Mindtwister. He and I have a wonderful relationship and I love him very much. We have been through so much the last few years and we're now engaged. We don't argue very much but when we do.....it's the same 3 arguments over and over. We even have a pattern......one of us gets mad.......we try to convince the other that our view is the correct view......the other gives a rebuttal....one of us finally decides we are tired of arguing and says that we'll agree to disagree or that we're sorry and we'll kiss and make up. If I wasn't so angry when it is going on it might be down right comical.....he and I are both very stubborn.......very stubborn. The last time we argued it was heated........I was a little more hurt than usual so I argued a little harder than usual.....but in the middle of the argument I decided that I wanted to skip ahead. I leaned in and passionately kissed him and told him that I was ready for the make up sex. He laughed and agreed.

Maybe I can't change everything that I want but I can change the way I react.

Project Positivity

2010-01-07T22:26:00.002-05:00

Project Positivity - I've been feeling kinda down so I thought I'd give myself a boost with thinking positive thoughts. Below are 20 things that make me smile:

1. Having my boys or mindtwister tell me they love me.
2. Snuggling with my boys.
3. Falling asleep listening to mindtwister's heart beat as I lay on his chest.
4. The sound of my youngest son's laughter when he gets really tickled.
5. Hearing my oldest son express his views in a very grown up and persuasive way.
6. Seeing my sons' compassion for others.
7. Seeing almost all of my family on Christmas.
8. Spending time with my grandparents.
9. Getting doggie kisses from Borden.
10. Watching cartoons with my boys.
11. Figuring something out that I find difficult.
12. Hearing a song from the 1980s.
13. Finding a pair of shoes that fit and that I can afford.
14. Playing Wii with mindtwister and the boys.
15. Playing drums on Rockband.
16. Feeling appreciated.
17. Getting compliments.
18. Receiving a message from a friend or loved one.
19. Feeling proud of a job well done.
20. Being with mindtwister and my boys.

Random pics

2010-01-07T22:22:00.001-05:00

Me playing with my crazy hair...lol

My Handsome Men on Christmas Morning

This song makes me happy.....Thanks Owl City!

2010-01-04T09:52:00.003-05:00

You would not believe your eyes if ten million fireflies lit up the world as I fell asleep.
'Cause they fill the open air and leave teardrops everywhere.
You'd think me rude but I would just stand and stare.
I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm sleep,
'cause everything is never as it seems.'
Cause I'd get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs
as they tried to teach me how to dance.
A fox trot above my head, a sock hopped beneath my bed,
a disco ball is just hanging by a thread.
I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when
I'm asleep 'cause everything is never as it seems. (When I fall asleep)
Leave my door open just a crack. (Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac. (Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep (Please take me away from here)
when I'm far too tired to fall asleep?
To ten million fireflies I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes.
I got misty eyes as they said farewell. (Said farewell)
But I'll know where several are if my dreams get real bizzare
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar.
I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to stay that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
'cause everything is never as it seems. (When I fall asleep)
I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
'cause everything is never as it seems. (When I fall asleep)
I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
because my dreams are bursting at the seams.

another year has come and gone.....sigh

2010-01-02T19:59:00.002-05:00

so here i am another year behind me. what has changed in the last year? well mindtwister and i got engaged.....that is one in the positive column. mindtwister survived a near death experience, my kiddos are happy and healthy, my family had a pretty good year all positives. where am i with my personal struggles.......the same place i was a year ago, two years ago, etc. i can't seem to get past some of my issues. i keep looking for the reasons......keep wondering when i will "wake up"? i've made the changes in my life that i thought were necessary to make it happen.......but then something small happens and instead of it being a minor set back, it is major and i end up right where i started.

i am going to continue on my path and maybe next year i will be closer to moving past my issues. only time will tell.

Another summer has come and gone.......

2009-08-16T14:51:00.003-04:00

My youngest on his 1st day @ the big boy school

both my lil' guys

My oldest looking oober cool!

It's so hard to believe school is back in session already. This year both my boys are in the same school so that makes it a little easier for me but I'm a little sad that both my boys are "big" boys now. They always say that time goes by faster as you get older......with every passing year this proves to be more true. I'm hoping that both of the boys will have a great school year!

Hmmmm.....am I really that f'd up?

2009-01-31T19:07:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had something happen that made you wonder just that? i've had that experience today. those of you that know me or have followed my blog over the years know that i struggle with self esteem issues......both with my physical appearance and with my confidence in my abilities and relationships. life is funny and kinda ironic at times. it seems that when i get comfortable with one aspect of myself something happens to set me back. i keep thinking that either i am meant to feel this way (maybe it's some sort of punishment) or maybe i really am that f'd up! we all have flaws, issues, things that we wish we could change......but do you ever struggle to find the things that you like about yourself? the things that you find acceptable? the things that you wouldn't change even if you could? i do.....all the time.....everyday. it's sad.....it makes me sad. it's a cycle......i feel bad about myself and then i do something or say something that is bitter and then i feel even worse about myself. i can't seem to break the cycle and when i think i've put it behind me.....something or someone brings it to my attention that i in fact have not.....~sigh~

this entire blog may be some kind of ramble and may not make a bit of sense....if that's the case i apologize to any one who happens to read this pitiful post.

don't get the wrong idea....i love my boys, my boyfriend, my family and friends....they fill my life with the love and joy that keeps me going but i just wish i could find a way to love my self....scratch that....like myself.....hell who am i kidding....i just wish i could not HATE myself.

so....here i am left with all of these thoughts....what to do....what to do.....i guess i need to work on the things that i hate the most.......first of all my physical appearance. I've been attending weight watchers, joined the ymca (and i've actually been working out and enjoying it.....strange) and considered surgery if this attempt fails.

As far as my thoughts and behavior......I have been trying to keep my negativity to myself......this has proved to be quite a difficult task and i just found out i haven't been doing as good of a job with this one as i thought......but i will continue to try to change......i guess i'll just have to try harder!

i again apologize if anyone happens to read this.....but i do feel a little better getting it all out of my head.

Reflecting

2008-11-11T23:14:00.002-05:00

So much has happened since my last blog entry..........too much to squeeze into one post. There has been one thing that happened that has effected me more that anything else.........the death of my aunt. She was sick for over 8 months.....she fought so hard and suffered so much. To say that I will miss her is an understatement! She was one of the strongest, funniest and most fun people I've ever been around. She had a light about her that didn't dim even in the end. Her smile and laugh would fill your heart.

She was more than my aunt.......she was one of my closest friends. We had so many good times and were there for each other through the tough times. I know that she's in a better place and no longer suffering and for that I'm grateful but the selfish part of me is sad.........I miss her......I will ALWAYS miss her. The world will be a much different place without her voice but heaven is a brighter place with the addition of our Angel. I love you Kath......you will not be forgotten.

I'm Sorry

2008-05-29T14:15:00.002-04:00

Sorry Lyrics
Artist(Band):Buckcherry

Oh I had alot to say
Was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry. This time I think I'm to blame
It's harder to get through the days
We get older and blame turns to shame
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried
It's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah sorryI'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry baby.
I'm sorry baby, Yeah.
I'm sorry.

New Pics

2008-05-20T08:27:00.002-04:00

Me and the Boys @ the Louisville Zoo!

Mindtwister and the boys @ Bernheim

My Boys making crazy faces......gotta love em!

The luckiest gal in the world!

2008-03-04T13:59:00.003-05:00

I am so lucky to have this man in my life. Without him I would be lost in love. I love him more with each passing day! Thank you for being such an amazing man to me and the boys! We love you!

wool coats

2008-01-16T09:24:00.000-05:00

I've been working a lot of long hours recently. So much that I think I'm a little depressed because it's dark when I go in to work and dark when I leave. I work in one of the biggest office buildings in the city. It's pretty much in the heart of downtown. There are a lot of law firms, accounting firms, financial planners, marketing firms, etc. I walk about half a city block to get to and from my parking garage each day, along with countless other professionals. As I walk I look around at all the other people walking to and from work. We all walk in silence; no one smiling or making chit chat. Most of the women are in dresses or pant suits and heels and the men are in suits and ties. But most of us have one thing in common.......our black wool dress coats. Yeah sure some of them are short others are long but we are all wearing them. In fact a couple of days ago the sight of all the wool dress coats made me laugh out loud.......we look like black wool cattle!

It got me thinking.....is this what life is all about? We all drag ourselves into our jobs/careers, do our time and rush home to our families to do homework, dinner, baths, etc.....and then finally collapse into a brief sleep until we get up and do it all over again. As a child I had passion for life.....I wanted to make a difference. Now I just want to make it to the weekend. I like my job, it's very demanding and I hate that I spend more time away from the kids but overall it's a good job. But I don't feel that passion for what I do.......so I ask, is the passion and excitement of my youth lost? I want to feel that inspiration, that love for what I do.......maybe some day I will find those feelings again. Until then I adorn my wool coat and continue on this rat race of life.

Many hugs and love,
Brandy

Oh what a month........

2007-12-13T16:24:00.000-05:00

Well a lot has happened since my last blog entry. Both my kids have been sick off and on; especially the little one......his ears again. We've spent a lot of time at the doctors' and immediate care center and I've missed work. He's set for surgery tomorrow morning; he's getting new tubes put in his ears.

I fell and hurt my back resulting in me being off from work for an entire week. This drove me crazy because I really couldn't do anything. I laid there thinking of all the things at work and at home that I needed to do but couldn't....FRUSTRATING! Of course these things always happen at the worst times......like the last paycheck before Christmas! But I'm back to work now, thank goodness!

I hope all of you are having a wondermus Holiday Season and I'll update again soon! Hugs and Love!

Brandy

The Scoop on Brandy aka Redneck Girl

2007-11-08T08:21:00.000-05:00

Okay well as you all know, I took a "break" from Blogging and during that time a lot has happened. First off let me say that I didn't really want to stop blogging but felt I HAD to do it, to keep the peace in my own personal war.

Since leaving the blogger community my divorce became final. Hearing that was a bitter-sweet feeling; in one way I was so relieved that it was finally over and I could move on with my life but I was saddened because it signified an end of an era of my life. My Ex and I had been together since we were kids and it's hard not to feel the pain of losing that connection. But with the help of my children, mindtwister and my friends I got through it without too many scars.

I lost my health insurance when the divorce became final so I had to find another job. I found a job as a Legal Assistant for a Defense Litigation Firm in town, I work for the managing partner. I like my job but it is demanding and stressful and often I am reminded why I left Legal. But I knew that most of my experience and my degree was in Legal so that was my best option. The hardest part is having to be away from my kids more. I feel bad but unfortunately this is what I have to do to make ends meet.

I haven't' been working as much at the Pizza place, mostly because I want to spend that time with my kids. In addition, it's getting more and more difficult for me to work such a physical job. That brings me to the medical issue I had some time ago. Before I started my new job I was working two part time jobs. One day while working at the Pizza place I starting having pain in my hands and wrists. I looked down and my hands had turned blue, as if I were a smurf or REALLY cold. It freaked me out a little and my co-workers wanted me to go to the ER but I am really hard headed and continued to work. This happened two or three more times before I finally went to the doctor. I underwent several test (some of them hurt like h*ll) and it was decided that they weren't sure what was wrong with me. Probably a rheumatological problem but it hasn't happened in a few months so I am praying that it was a temporary issue.

Mindtwister and I have been officially dating for almost a year. He has such patience and is an amazing man! I am so lucky to have him in my life. I don't know if I could have made it through the last couple of years without his support. He is my friend, my lover, my soul mate.......he makes me smile and laugh so much that I blame him for my newly found smile lines. Plus my kids absolutely adore him and he loves them so much!

Often I've wondered why things happen the way they do but I'm finally realizing that God has his plan and sometimes we might not agree with it or understand it fully but it's best just to put it in his hands.

I have missed each and every one of you! I have thought of you all so much and wondered how you and your families were doing. I'm so glad to be back and can't wait to read your blogs each day!

Love and Hugs,
Brandy

Just when you think you've heard it all......."Don't make me spin up on you like Taz"

2007-11-07T08:19:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel inadequate as a parent. I know that I do a pretty good job but every once in a while I'll say "I should have done this or that" but the other day I saw and heard a parent that made me feel like Mother of the Year.

Mindtwister and I were having dinner at a local pizza place. There was a birthday party on the other side of the restaurant, looked like nice people, they were dressed well, clean and neat. The kids looked to be between 11-13 and were really well behaved (in my opinion). One of the boys got up to use the restroom and on his way back stopped to look at something. His mother screams at the top of her lungs for him to get his little Mother F'n A** back over there. Wow.....just wow...I thought I'd misheard, she couldn't have said that but that's what she said cause she repeated it once more before he made his way to his chair.

The adults at the party were talking and the kids were in their seats talking amongst themselves. Suddenly one of the mom's burst out with "shut your mouths, I don't want to hear you". The kids got quiet and ate. After they were finished eating they starting talking and laughing (not being loud or disruptive). Again the loud mother roars "Shut up, don't make me tell you again" followed up by another mother saying "I'm not going to tell you again". The kids sat in silence until the same boy that went to the rest room spoke to some one across the table, his mother gets up and looks at him and says "Don't make me spin up on you like Taz, cause none of you can whoop me".

Mindtwister and I look at one another in disbelief did she just threaten to turn into a cartoon character and whip her child? Again...WOW....where did she learn this technique of parenting? I mean the kids were at a party but were expected to sit in silence, what is that? They were in no way being disrespectful or loud. I felt really bad for those kids; what their daily life must be like......scary.

So, looking at the brighter side, as we left the pizza place and I had a renewed sense of my parenting skills. Also, Mindtwister and I had learned a new phrase "Don't make me spin up on you like Taz".

The Pumpkin we decorated at my office to Benefit the Breast Cancer Society.

2007-10-26T10:30:00.000-04:00

more pics

2007-10-17T09:02:00.000-04:00

Updated Pics

2007-10-17T08:58:00.000-04:00

Happy 30th Birthday to me!

2007-10-16T08:20:00.000-04:00

Well another year has came and gone. 30, a milestone birthday......I've seen some people take it really hard, some take it gracefully, to some it's just another year, I am embracing it......embracing life at 30! I am thankful for all that I've been blessed with; two beautiful kids, a loving man, family and friends.

I vow to take more time to enjoy life, slow down and take it all in, really live instead of just being alive. Here's to making the next 30 years even better than the first!

Love y'all!

Brandy

2007-10-08T12:21:00.001-04:00

Countdown To Red Neck Girl's RETURN

So this is goodbye.......

2007-01-29T11:01:00.000-05:00

For personal reasons this will be my last blog entry. I want to first off say thank you to everyone who reads and comments on my blog. This blog has been a journey through the many trials and tribulations of my life......thank you all for following it and supporting me when I have needed it most. To Ms. L. my first "Blogger Buddy" thank you for sticking by me with your wise and witty support; you are wonderful! To Pinky thank you for all the hugs, for caring, understanding and checking on me when I was gone from the blog scene. Also, thank you for sharing your talent with me and my loved ones.....I will continue to shop @ Pinky's store :) To Barngoddess thank you for your support and your amazing sense of wit you have made me smile so much! To Brian thank you for caring and always supporting me; also thank you for trusting me enough to share your life with me. To Diane thank you for your encouragement; you and Brian take care of one another. Miss1999 thank you for your positive outlook I can almost feel your smile in your words. To Rach thank you for your warm words and support. To Pavel thank you for your kindness and understanding; tell your brother that I have missed him. Whiteroseboy thank you so much for your sweet comments and encouragement I am glad that our paths crossed. To Raj you have been a dear blog friend always positive thank you and I know you'll be a great father. To Bone......you have made me laugh so much, especially on days when I didn't think laughter was possible, you have made me think and made me cry......you are a wonderful writer.

To those of you who I know "in person" thank you and you know the reasons I have to do this; I love you all and appreciate your understanding.

You can contact me through my email Brandybrb@yahoo.com I will try to continue to read as many of your posts as I can but even if I don't comment know that you all aren't far from my thoughts. Thank you so much for making me believe that there are good people in the world; before my blog I would have never thought it possible to care about and love people that I have never actually met. As I say this with tears in my eyes..........Hugs and Love to each and every one of you.......I thank you more than you'll ever know.

Brandy