Have you ever had something happen that made you wonder just that? i've had that experience today. those of you that know me or have followed my blog over the years know that i struggle with self esteem issues......both with my physical appearance and with my confidence in my abilities and relationships. life is funny and kinda ironic at times. it seems that when i get comfortable with one aspect of myself something happens to set me back. i keep thinking that either i am meant to feel this way (maybe it's some sort of punishment) or maybe i really am that f'd up! we all have flaws, issues, things that we wish we could change......but do you ever struggle to find the things that you like about yourself? the things that you find acceptable? the things that you wouldn't change even if you could? i do.....all the time.....everyday. it's sad.....it makes me sad. it's a cycle......i feel bad about myself and then i do something or say something that is bitter and then i feel even worse about myself. i can't seem to break the cycle and when i think i've put it behind me.....something or someone brings it to my attention that i in fact have not.....~sigh~
this entire blog may be some kind of ramble and may not make a bit of sense....if that's the case i apologize to any one who happens to read this pitiful post.
don't get the wrong idea....i love my boys, my boyfriend, my family and friends....they fill my life with the love and joy that keeps me going but i just wish i could find a way to love my self....scratch that....like myself.....hell who am i kidding....i just wish i could not HATE myself.
so....here i am left with all of these thoughts....what to do....what to do.....i guess i need to work on the things that i hate the most.......first of all my physical appearance. I've been attending weight watchers, joined the ymca (and i've actually been working out and enjoying it.....strange) and considered surgery if this attempt fails.
As far as my thoughts and behavior......I have been trying to keep my negativity to myself......this has proved to be quite a difficult task and i just found out i haven't been doing as good of a job with this one as i thought......but i will continue to try to change......i guess i'll just have to try harder!
i again apologize if anyone happens to read this.....but i do feel a little better getting it all out of my head.
7 comments:
I'm so glad to see you posting! I've missed the saga of you and Mindtwister, and hope to hear you two are still together!!
I think alot like you. I have had weight issues my entire life and it always becomes an issue when I start relationships whether they be friendships with other females, or with guys. I think they see me for my flaws first, and then my qualities second, but that's not the case and I'm learning that as I go. I hope you can see that you're a stunningly gorgeous woman that has many wonderful things going for her. Allow yourself to see you through the eyes of your boyfriend, your boys and your family, and maybe you'll see less of the flaws and more of your amazing qualities.
Chin up girl!! :)
Rach, I like the way you think!
I am happy to let you know we are still together, and I plan on being with her for the rest of my life. I think she's the smartest, funniest, and most beautiful woman I've ever met. I can't think of anyone else I would rather spend the rest of my days with. She is my soulmate, the other half of me, and without her, I would be nothing.
Well I've known you online for quite awhile now & I think you are far too hard on yourself, you are a lovely person & for one I'm proud to call you a friend.
Whew, I could go on and on about this post. Partly because I've done this to myself most of my life, too and partly because I know how hard it is for you. the only advice that I can give is find one thing a day that looks okay, feels okay (good hair day, clothes fit better) look in the mirror accept that YOU look good and WALK AWAY FROM THE MIRROR IMMEDIATELY. That's what I've been doing and it seems to be helping. If I stand there looking in the mirror, I'll start nitpicking and punishing myself. Now, I just say, "wow, my hair looks really good this morning" then walk out of the bathroom.
Hope that helps! HUGS and so much love to you!!
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You are not alone. Learning not to hate yourself is something I do understand. I wish I could tell you how to go about it. I am still working on it myself. I will tell you something I do know. You are beautiful. I know you do not see it, but it is there. You are a gift to this world and to everyone who is lucky enough to know you.
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