how you know a man truly loves you......

when he tells you how sexy you are when you're sick, nose red like Rudolph and your fragrance is vapor rub but he's looking at you like you're a centerfold

when he holds your hair back when you get sick

when he watches say yes to the dress, what not to wear or project runway with you

when he tells you that you are more attractive than a beautiful model, actress, singer

when he tells you you're perfect just the way you are, when you both know you could stand to lose more that a few pounds

when he grins to himself while you complain about your smile lines because he knows he is the cause of those smiles

when he braves the cold to pump your gasoline

when he holds you while you cry @ a commercial because you have pms

when he tells you that you are his best friend

when he believes in you when no one else seems to

when he understands that sometimes you don't need your problems solved you just need someone to listen

when his eyes light up when you tell him you love him.

Twenty Ten

Ok, am i the only one that thought we'd be riding around in flying cars by now? seriously, when i watched the jetsons or back to the future when i was a kid, i really thought that by 2010 things would be soooooo much different. i thought that there would be a cure for cancer, that i could buy my groceries with my thumb print and i'd have a hover board. the advancement in computers and medicine are impressive and i know we've come along way but where's my robotic maid?

The more things change......the more they stay the same.

The last few years I've noticed that sometimes the more things change the more they stay the same. Examples: 1. Every night of every year my son has been in school we have the same conversation about homework. He gets more responsible, smarter and capable with each passing year, however we still have the same conversation. 2. My job: I have switched law firms, and went from Plaintiff work to Defense work in the past 10 yrs but I still have some of the same complaints. 3. My Ex-husband, we aren't married anymore yet we still have disagreements over a lot of the same stuff.

4. This is my best example.......Mindtwister. He and I have a wonderful relationship and I love him very much. We have been through so much the last few years and we're now engaged. We don't argue very much but when we do.....it's the same 3 arguments over and over. We even have a pattern......one of us gets mad.......we try to convince the other that our view is the correct view......the other gives a rebuttal....one of us finally decides we are tired of arguing and says that we'll agree to disagree or that we're sorry and we'll kiss and make up. If I wasn't so angry when it is going on it might be down right comical.....he and I are both very stubborn.......very stubborn. The last time we argued it was heated........I was a little more hurt than usual so I argued a little harder than usual.....but in the middle of the argument I decided that I wanted to skip ahead. I leaned in and passionately kissed him and told him that I was ready for the make up sex. He laughed and agreed.

Maybe I can't change everything that I want but I can change the way I react.

Project Positivity

Project Positivity - I've been feeling kinda down so I thought I'd give myself a boost with thinking positive thoughts. Below are 20 things that make me smile:

1. Having my boys or mindtwister tell me they love me.
2. Snuggling with my boys.
3. Falling asleep listening to mindtwister's heart beat as I lay on his chest.
4. The sound of my youngest son's laughter when he gets really tickled.
5. Hearing my oldest son express his views in a very grown up and persuasive way.
6. Seeing my sons' compassion for others.
7. Seeing almost all of my family on Christmas.
8. Spending time with my grandparents.
9. Getting doggie kisses from Borden.
10. Watching cartoons with my boys.
11. Figuring something out that I find difficult.
12. Hearing a song from the 1980s.
13. Finding a pair of shoes that fit and that I can afford.
14. Playing Wii with mindtwister and the boys.
15. Playing drums on Rockband.
16. Feeling appreciated.
17. Getting compliments.
18. Receiving a message from a friend or loved one.
19. Feeling proud of a job well done.
20. Being with mindtwister and my boys.

Random pics

Me playing with my crazy hair...lol

My Handsome Men on Christmas Morning

This song makes me happy.....Thanks Owl City!

You would not believe your eyes if ten million fireflies lit up the world as I fell asleep.
'Cause they fill the open air and leave teardrops everywhere.
You'd think me rude but I would just stand and stare.
I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm sleep,
'cause everything is never as it seems.'
Cause I'd get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs
as they tried to teach me how to dance.
A fox trot above my head, a sock hopped beneath my bed,
a disco ball is just hanging by a thread.
I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when
I'm asleep 'cause everything is never as it seems. (When I fall asleep)
Leave my door open just a crack. (Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac. (Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep (Please take me away from here)
when I'm far too tired to fall asleep?
To ten million fireflies I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes.
I got misty eyes as they said farewell. (Said farewell)
But I'll know where several are if my dreams get real bizzare
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar.
I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to stay that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
'cause everything is never as it seems. (When I fall asleep)
I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
'cause everything is never as it seems. (When I fall asleep)
I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
because my dreams are bursting at the seams.

another year has come and gone.....sigh

so here i am another year behind me. what has changed in the last year? well mindtwister and i got engaged.....that is one in the positive column. mindtwister survived a near death experience, my kiddos are happy and healthy, my family had a pretty good year all positives. where am i with my personal struggles.......the same place i was a year ago, two years ago, etc. i can't seem to get past some of my issues. i keep looking for the reasons......keep wondering when i will "wake up"? i've made the changes in my life that i thought were necessary to make it happen.......but then something small happens and instead of it being a minor set back, it is major and i end up right where i started.

i am going to continue on my path and maybe next year i will be closer to moving past my issues. only time will tell.

Another summer has come and gone.......

My youngest on his 1st day @ the big boy school

both my lil' guys

My oldest looking oober cool!

It's so hard to believe school is back in session already. This year both my boys are in the same school so that makes it a little easier for me but I'm a little sad that both my boys are "big" boys now. They always say that time goes by faster as you get older......with every passing year this proves to be more true. I'm hoping that both of the boys will have a great school year!

Hmmmm.....am I really that f'd up?

Have you ever had something happen that made you wonder just that? i've had that experience today. those of you that know me or have followed my blog over the years know that i struggle with self esteem issues......both with my physical appearance and with my confidence in my abilities and relationships. life is funny and kinda ironic at times. it seems that when i get comfortable with one aspect of myself something happens to set me back. i keep thinking that either i am meant to feel this way (maybe it's some sort of punishment) or maybe i really am that f'd up! we all have flaws, issues, things that we wish we could change......but do you ever struggle to find the things that you like about yourself? the things that you find acceptable? the things that you wouldn't change even if you could? i do.....all the time.....everyday. it's sad.....it makes me sad. it's a cycle......i feel bad about myself and then i do something or say something that is bitter and then i feel even worse about myself. i can't seem to break the cycle and when i think i've put it behind me.....something or someone brings it to my attention that i in fact have not.....~sigh~

this entire blog may be some kind of ramble and may not make a bit of sense....if that's the case i apologize to any one who happens to read this pitiful post.

don't get the wrong idea....i love my boys, my boyfriend, my family and friends....they fill my life with the love and joy that keeps me going but i just wish i could find a way to love my self....scratch that....like myself.....hell who am i kidding....i just wish i could not HATE myself.

so....here i am left with all of these thoughts....what to do....what to do.....i guess i need to work on the things that i hate the most.......first of all my physical appearance. I've been attending weight watchers, joined the ymca (and i've actually been working out and enjoying it.....strange) and considered surgery if this attempt fails.

As far as my thoughts and behavior......I have been trying to keep my negativity to myself......this has proved to be quite a difficult task and i just found out i haven't been doing as good of a job with this one as i thought......but i will continue to try to change......i guess i'll just have to try harder!

i again apologize if anyone happens to read this.....but i do feel a little better getting it all out of my head.

Reflecting

So much has happened since my last blog entry..........too much to squeeze into one post. There has been one thing that happened that has effected me more that anything else.........the death of my aunt. She was sick for over 8 months.....she fought so hard and suffered so much. To say that I will miss her is an understatement! She was one of the strongest, funniest and most fun people I've ever been around. She had a light about her that didn't dim even in the end. Her smile and laugh would fill your heart.

She was more than my aunt.......she was one of my closest friends. We had so many good times and were there for each other through the tough times. I know that she's in a better place and no longer suffering and for that I'm grateful but the selfish part of me is sad.........I miss her......I will ALWAYS miss her. The world will be a much different place without her voice but heaven is a brighter place with the addition of our Angel. I love you Kath......you will not be forgotten.

I'm Sorry

Sorry Lyrics
Artist(Band):Buckcherry

Oh I had alot to say
Was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry. This time I think I'm to blame
It's harder to get through the days
We get older and blame turns to shame
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried
It's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah sorryI'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry baby.
I'm sorry baby, Yeah.
I'm sorry.

New Pics

Me and the Boys @ the Louisville Zoo!

Mindtwister and the boys @ Bernheim

My Boys making crazy faces......gotta love em!

The luckiest gal in the world!

I am so lucky to have this man in my life. Without him I would be lost in love. I love him more with each passing day! Thank you for being such an amazing man to me and the boys! We love you!

wool coats

I've been working a lot of long hours recently. So much that I think I'm a little depressed because it's dark when I go in to work and dark when I leave. I work in one of the biggest office buildings in the city. It's pretty much in the heart of downtown. There are a lot of law firms, accounting firms, financial planners, marketing firms, etc. I walk about half a city block to get to and from my parking garage each day, along with countless other professionals. As I walk I look around at all the other people walking to and from work. We all walk in silence; no one smiling or making chit chat. Most of the women are in dresses or pant suits and heels and the men are in suits and ties. But most of us have one thing in common.......our black wool dress coats. Yeah sure some of them are short others are long but we are all wearing them. In fact a couple of days ago the sight of all the wool dress coats made me laugh out loud.......we look like black wool cattle!

It got me thinking.....is this what life is all about? We all drag ourselves into our jobs/careers, do our time and rush home to our families to do homework, dinner, baths, etc.....and then finally collapse into a brief sleep until we get up and do it all over again. As a child I had passion for life.....I wanted to make a difference. Now I just want to make it to the weekend. I like my job, it's very demanding and I hate that I spend more time away from the kids but overall it's a good job. But I don't feel that passion for what I do.......so I ask, is the passion and excitement of my youth lost? I want to feel that inspiration, that love for what I do.......maybe some day I will find those feelings again. Until then I adorn my wool coat and continue on this rat race of life.

Many hugs and love,
Brandy

Oh what a month........

Well a lot has happened since my last blog entry. Both my kids have been sick off and on; especially the little one......his ears again. We've spent a lot of time at the doctors' and immediate care center and I've missed work. He's set for surgery tomorrow morning; he's getting new tubes put in his ears.

I fell and hurt my back resulting in me being off from work for an entire week. This drove me crazy because I really couldn't do anything. I laid there thinking of all the things at work and at home that I needed to do but couldn't....FRUSTRATING! Of course these things always happen at the worst times......like the last paycheck before Christmas! But I'm back to work now, thank goodness!

I hope all of you are having a wondermus Holiday Season and I'll update again soon! Hugs and Love!

Brandy

The Scoop on Brandy aka Redneck Girl

Okay well as you all know, I took a "break" from Blogging and during that time a lot has happened. First off let me say that I didn't really want to stop blogging but felt I HAD to do it, to keep the peace in my own personal war.

Since leaving the blogger community my divorce became final. Hearing that was a bitter-sweet feeling; in one way I was so relieved that it was finally over and I could move on with my life but I was saddened because it signified an end of an era of my life. My Ex and I had been together since we were kids and it's hard not to feel the pain of losing that connection. But with the help of my children, mindtwister and my friends I got through it without too many scars.

I lost my health insurance when the divorce became final so I had to find another job. I found a job as a Legal Assistant for a Defense Litigation Firm in town, I work for the managing partner. I like my job but it is demanding and stressful and often I am reminded why I left Legal. But I knew that most of my experience and my degree was in Legal so that was my best option. The hardest part is having to be away from my kids more. I feel bad but unfortunately this is what I have to do to make ends meet.

I haven't' been working as much at the Pizza place, mostly because I want to spend that time with my kids. In addition, it's getting more and more difficult for me to work such a physical job. That brings me to the medical issue I had some time ago. Before I started my new job I was working two part time jobs. One day while working at the Pizza place I starting having pain in my hands and wrists. I looked down and my hands had turned blue, as if I were a smurf or REALLY cold. It freaked me out a little and my co-workers wanted me to go to the ER but I am really hard headed and continued to work. This happened two or three more times before I finally went to the doctor. I underwent several test (some of them hurt like h*ll) and it was decided that they weren't sure what was wrong with me. Probably a rheumatological problem but it hasn't happened in a few months so I am praying that it was a temporary issue.

Mindtwister and I have been officially dating for almost a year. He has such patience and is an amazing man! I am so lucky to have him in my life. I don't know if I could have made it through the last couple of years without his support. He is my friend, my lover, my soul mate.......he makes me smile and laugh so much that I blame him for my newly found smile lines. Plus my kids absolutely adore him and he loves them so much!

Often I've wondered why things happen the way they do but I'm finally realizing that God has his plan and sometimes we might not agree with it or understand it fully but it's best just to put it in his hands.

I have missed each and every one of you! I have thought of you all so much and wondered how you and your families were doing. I'm so glad to be back and can't wait to read your blogs each day!

Love and Hugs,
Brandy

Just when you think you've heard it all......."Don't make me spin up on you like Taz"

Sometimes I feel inadequate as a parent. I know that I do a pretty good job but every once in a while I'll say "I should have done this or that" but the other day I saw and heard a parent that made me feel like Mother of the Year.

Mindtwister and I were having dinner at a local pizza place. There was a birthday party on the other side of the restaurant, looked like nice people, they were dressed well, clean and neat. The kids looked to be between 11-13 and were really well behaved (in my opinion). One of the boys got up to use the restroom and on his way back stopped to look at something. His mother screams at the top of her lungs for him to get his little Mother F'n A** back over there. Wow.....just wow...I thought I'd misheard, she couldn't have said that but that's what she said cause she repeated it once more before he made his way to his chair.

The adults at the party were talking and the kids were in their seats talking amongst themselves. Suddenly one of the mom's burst out with "shut your mouths, I don't want to hear you". The kids got quiet and ate. After they were finished eating they starting talking and laughing (not being loud or disruptive). Again the loud mother roars "Shut up, don't make me tell you again" followed up by another mother saying "I'm not going to tell you again". The kids sat in silence until the same boy that went to the rest room spoke to some one across the table, his mother gets up and looks at him and says "Don't make me spin up on you like Taz, cause none of you can whoop me".

Mindtwister and I look at one another in disbelief did she just threaten to turn into a cartoon character and whip her child? Again...WOW....where did she learn this technique of parenting? I mean the kids were at a party but were expected to sit in silence, what is that? They were in no way being disrespectful or loud. I felt really bad for those kids; what their daily life must be like......scary.

So, looking at the brighter side, as we left the pizza place and I had a renewed sense of my parenting skills. Also, Mindtwister and I had learned a new phrase "Don't make me spin up on you like Taz".

The Pumpkin we decorated at my office to Benefit the Breast Cancer Society.

more pics

Updated Pics