Have you ever had something happen that made you wonder just that? i've had that experience today. those of you that know me or have followed my blog over the years know that i struggle with self esteem issues......both with my physical appearance and with my confidence in my abilities and relationships. life is funny and kinda ironic at times. it seems that when i get comfortable with one aspect of myself something happens to set me back. i keep thinking that either i am meant to feel this way (maybe it's some sort of punishment) or maybe i really am that f'd up! we all have flaws, issues, things that we wish we could change......but do you ever struggle to find the things that you like about yourself? the things that you find acceptable? the things that you wouldn't change even if you could? i do.....all the time.....everyday. it's sad.....it makes me sad. it's a cycle......i feel bad about myself and then i do something or say something that is bitter and then i feel even worse about myself. i can't seem to break the cycle and when i think i've put it behind me.....something or someone brings it to my attention that i in fact have not.....~sigh~
this entire blog may be some kind of ramble and may not make a bit of sense....if that's the case i apologize to any one who happens to read this pitiful post.
don't get the wrong idea....i love my boys, my boyfriend, my family and friends....they fill my life with the love and joy that keeps me going but i just wish i could find a way to love my self....scratch that....like myself.....hell who am i kidding....i just wish i could not HATE myself.
so....here i am left with all of these thoughts....what to do....what to do.....i guess i need to work on the things that i hate the most.......first of all my physical appearance. I've been attending weight watchers, joined the ymca (and i've actually been working out and enjoying it.....strange) and considered surgery if this attempt fails.
As far as my thoughts and behavior......I have been trying to keep my negativity to myself......this has proved to be quite a difficult task and i just found out i haven't been doing as good of a job with this one as i thought......but i will continue to try to change......i guess i'll just have to try harder!
i again apologize if anyone happens to read this.....but i do feel a little better getting it all out of my head.